I was watching porn recently (don’t judge) when the realization struck me: I was incredibly bored. At first this sent me into a momentary panic, my mind anxious with the possibilities. Why wasn’t anything I watched turning me on? What if I have somehow lost my libido?
Obviously, I’m not an inherently patient person – this was not a long-standing issue I was having with a lack of arousal, but entirely situational and also entirely in that moment, though the feeling had been creeping in for a long time.
Slowly a greater understanding came to me as I examined my boredom. Porn just wasn’t real, and I knew what real was.
Porn represents a completely different version of sexual pleasure than what I know to be true; the situations and excitement presented, though at times is genuine, is based on a surface-level version of sex that is fast and high-intensity, with the climax simply for dramatic show and void of any emotion. I was especially struck in this moment by the showy climax of porn; how could they experience all that stimulus and not feel love or tenderness, or have some outpouring of emotion? None of these sentiments were shown – it was as if nothing had happened.
My orgasms are certainly not like that, and I realized that for a long time, likely because of porn, I though my orgasms were too extreme, and it made me not want to have them.
Many of us have had these porn-like experiences – quick moments of intensity that are purely carnal, ravenous, or fun. And sex can be like that too. The issue is that most of us stop developing beyond this feverish version of sexuality without knowing that there is so much more, and this more is often what we are seeking when we log on to porn channels trying to find stimulation.
For me, though, these models of how sex looks have become old news, to the point that they don’t even give me a hint of arousal. Real sex has become both slow and intoxicatingly present. It is an act of spontaneity and real pleasure. None of the excitement is lost, though many of the actions seen in porn have gone missing because they don’t actually do anything for me or my partners. Sex has become a way to discover, release, play, and connect to myself and another on an ecstatically pleasurable, and at times even transcendent, level.
My sexual experience (both solo and partnered) has become so much more fulfilling than porn that, in that moment, trying to watch it felt cartoonish and lackluster, or like I was chewing on cardboard in place of a rich chocolate cake – or even a refreshing and quenching green juice!
I remembered a key revelation I’d had previously that is included in my book, The Era of The True Creator:
With this realization, I felt calm. I finally answered that nagging question I’ve been having for a while: “Sure this automatic sex is boring, but do I have the commitment to pursue something greater? Do I trust that there is something within me that is capable of reaching beyond?”
Yup. I’m ready for some chocolate cake.