Ending a Relationship with Love

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For many of us, the end of a relationship means ugliness: bitter fights, painful arguments that never feel resolved, and eventually divorce or separation, while fighting over all that was once shared, including custody of kids, and forcing friends to choose sides. I understand – when fights ensue, and pride gets hurt or we don’t feel heard, sometimes it can feel that the only way out is to rip the band-aid off completely in whatever way we can, to push for the separation that we need. 

Last year, my husband Wind and I were going through a rough patch. Our marriage up until this point had seemed unbreakable, and we had been through an incredible amount together as partners – far more than most in just four years. We had traveled through more than 10 countries on a tiny budget, lived in our minivan together for months, lived on communes, and with my parents. We had gone through the various intense shifts and dissolving of illusions that our awakenings had brought, had plant medicine journeys together, he had nursed me through my own heartbreaking sickness, and more recently, we had opened our marriage to polyamory. It was all an intense ride, but we had done it together and it had all bonded us tightly.

But slowly, the need for separation started showing itself. After all our closeness, we both started recognizing that to move forward, we needed to be individuals. Wind took a job that was out of state to satisfy his desire to travel and give me the space I was wanting. We had some arguments throughout this time of separation, but truth be told we weren’t fully aware of what was happening until it was upon us. Through a series of discussions and heated arguments, we began talking about our separation as something that needed to be more formal. That big ugly word – Divorce – came up.

I was completely devastated – I never thought that this would happen. Wind was the love of my life, my twin flame! It was never supposed to be like this. Separation was one thing, but to think of divorcing made everything inside of me hurt, especially the thought of going through that process with all the pain and unresolved emotions that we both were feeling.

As we were talking, discussing what we thought was inevitable, it occurred to me that there may be another way. After all, we weren’t feeling the need for divorce because we hated each other; we just somehow needed to acknowledge what was already happening, and do something concrete that would help us honor this and move on in our own paths. Through the tears, one of us said,

“What if we treated this separation the same way we treated our marriage? What if we turned it into a ceremony or something really beautiful?”

At that, the entire mood shifted. Surprisingly, we both started to get really excited at the prospect of making this transition a sacred moment and creating a ceremony together.  With just a simple reframing, we had changed the entire energy around what we were experiencing from devastatingly hurtful to a celebration of our strength. With a ceremony, we could honor the truth of the matter: that we cared deeply for each other and yet needed our autonomy; that our love for each other was so great that we could set each other free.

We planned the ceremony for Christmas day. We wrote vows to each other, just as we had done for our wedding, and we gathered symbolic items to create a sacred space. We even considered having one of our friends officiate our ceremony, but in the end decided to keep it private and avoid the need to schedule anything. And because we were living long distance at the time, we had to do the whole thing over skype. But it was a beautiful moment for us both. Though we were still dealing with the fatigue of our saddened hearts, taking the time to honor each other and our changing relationship was incredibly healing.

Why is it that we feel the need to end relationships with ugliness? Sometimes it is unavoidable – when a relationship ends and two people have been working on their differences for years and are saturated with frustrations, it makes sense that there would be a lot of animosity. With all the endless fighting, we may have lost trust in ourselves and our partner that we are capable of ever having peace again. Maybe we feel that fighting creates a clean break, and we’re worried that without intense anger and turning each other into enemies that we’ll be weak, and change our minds, returning to a damaging situation. 

There are many reasons that we may end our relationship with fighting and anger. My desire here is to offer another way to move through such a transition: through a loving ceremony. 

For Wind and me, the biggest surprise of all was that our ceremony allowed us to transition into a new level of friendship, almost immediately, without straining over our previous marital expectations of each other. Creating a sacred moment helped us to give a name to what we were experiencing and honor the it, while also giving space for the grieving process to occur. This allowed us to become present with our relationship in its new state. Through ceremony, we were able to move beyond the relationship with the same honoring and love that we began it with.

Why am I a sexuality coach?

Like many of us, I grew up in a rather conservative and religious household, where right and wrong was clearly defined through the doctrines of the church that we attended. As is common in religion, there were acts that were deemed sinful, and ways to correct ourselves from these acts if they occurred. For us this was called the repentance process, and entailed a recognition of the sin through confession to a church authority, followed by a period of time spent in contrition and seeking forgiveness from god.

I bring this up because it set up a specific process in my life that continued well into adulthood. To summarize, my process was this: sin now, repent later, and feel bad about myself and any possible sexual desires I have ALL the time. Each cycle held two forms: for a while I would be liberated and pursue my curiosities in life, though there were always underlying feelings of shame and worry that I was doing something wrong; this was then followed by time spent deep in the study of very fulfilling spiritual practices, where I would reject my sexual nature and feel slightly false and incomplete.

This internal process continued well after I stopped practicing religion at age 20. The surprising thing for me was to see that it continued even after I had my spiritual awakening in 2012.

As soon as my awakening began, sexual pleasure vanished from my scope. I was suddenly able to perceive multidimnesionally, and I felt disturbed and somewhat traumatized to see what was happening on an energetic level when we engaged with others in sexually manipulative or unconscious ways, and at the time I didn’t have the tools to deal with it all – my world during the beginning of my awakening was being completely turned upside down, and all I wanted to do was find my newly placed footing.

I also felt pleasure coming through in new and fascinating areas: channeling, intuitive learning, and all the completely new experiences I was having filled me up with a new kind of ecstasy, and sexual pleasure paled in comparison for a brief amount of time.

And though its true that my time was taken up with these new areas of intense learning, it was also true that I still felt conflicted about sex. I wondered why I didn’t want it anymore, and came to realize that I had never really liked it much. Sex to me in the past had been an avenue of social connection, experimentation and playful (yet disconnected) exploration. It had never been fulfilling, and I slowly realized – shockingly – that it had never even physically felt very good to me. This lack of physical pleasure had nothing to do with what my partners had or hadn’t done, or how well they did it; it had everything to do with my inability to let go and enjoy the pure pleasure of sex.

Coming to unify this rift over the past four years has been a slowly unfolding process, as graciously, the universe has been guiding me to see that pleasure and spirituality are not really two separate pursuits, but one in the same.

Though I felt afraid to explore sex because it didn’t fit with my ideas of what I was supposed to be or do as a “spiritual” person, compulsion took over – eventually my body put up a fight where I didn’t want to look and my craving to have some unnamable force within me fulfilled caused me to be distracted daily. I found myself wanting to play again, as I had before my awakening, to explore pleasure in many ways, but I didn’t know how to do it in a new and developed way with all that I had learned about energy and congruency in the past years. My internal tension grew: I couldn’t let go, and yet my body propelled me towards fulfillment.

The energetic universe is a funny place – as Rumi says, “that which we seek is seeking us”. Though I tried to find logical outlets for my desires, what inevitably showed up was circumstances that were unplanned and messy. Through lots of pleasure and also LOTS of heartache, all that my body was yearning for came to me in various forms – and it was all incredibly enlightening.

The past six months have been a whirlwind of integration, allowing me to become a unified, sexual being for the first time in my life.

And as soon as 2018 came around, another calling showed itself to me, quite clearly.

I moved from Santa Fe NM to the Pacific Northwest – and from sunny days to constant rain. As I meditated at the hilly summit of a nearby hiking trail, I asked, “What am I doing here? What do I do now?” and I immediately heard, “You are here to be a sexuality coach. Don’t get another job. Just do this.”

I see now that this is a natural progression for my life: I was a stripper in my early 20’s, and later owned a pole dance studio for five years. My spiritual/sexual cycle brought me to explore a diverse range of experiences that can bring us pleasure, from the crown chakra to the root and everything in between and beyond. These past experiences, coupled with the intuitive gifts I work with and the coaching I have done for three years now come together to form a clearer picture that I have been on this track for much of my life, though it is still a surprise to me.

So now, I offer myself to the process. I'm excited to see where this all leads.

 

For more information on what I offer, please visit the SESSIONS page.