Like many of us, I grew up in a rather conservative and religious household, where right and wrong was clearly defined through the doctrines of the church that we attended. As is common in religion, there were acts that were deemed sinful, and ways to correct ourselves from these acts if they occurred. For us this was called the repentance process, and entailed a recognition of the sin through confession to a church authority, followed by a period of time spent in contrition and seeking forgiveness from god.
I bring this up because it set up a specific process in my life that continued well into adulthood. To summarize, my process was this: sin now, repent later, and feel bad about myself and any possible sexual desires I have ALL the time. Each cycle held two forms: for a while I would be liberated and pursue my curiosities in life, though there were always underlying feelings of shame and worry that I was doing something wrong; this was then followed by time spent deep in the study of very fulfilling spiritual practices, where I would reject my sexual nature and feel slightly false and incomplete.
This internal process continued well after I stopped practicing religion at age 20. The surprising thing for me was to see that it continued even after I had my spiritual awakening in 2012.
As soon as my awakening began, sexual pleasure vanished from my scope. I was suddenly able to perceive multidimnesionally, and I felt disturbed and somewhat traumatized to see what was happening on an energetic level when we engaged with others in sexually manipulative or unconscious ways, and at the time I didn’t have the tools to deal with it all – my world during the beginning of my awakening was being completely turned upside down, and all I wanted to do was find my newly placed footing.
I also felt pleasure coming through in new and fascinating areas: channeling, intuitive learning, and all the completely new experiences I was having filled me up with a new kind of ecstasy, and sexual pleasure paled in comparison for a brief amount of time.
And though its true that my time was taken up with these new areas of intense learning, it was also true that I still felt conflicted about sex. I wondered why I didn’t want it anymore, and came to realize that I had never really liked it much. Sex to me in the past had been an avenue of social connection, experimentation and playful (yet disconnected) exploration. It had never been fulfilling, and I slowly realized – shockingly – that it had never even physically felt very good to me. This lack of physical pleasure had nothing to do with what my partners had or hadn’t done, or how well they did it; it had everything to do with my inability to let go and enjoy the pure pleasure of sex.
Coming to unify this rift over the past four years has been a slowly unfolding process, as graciously, the universe has been guiding me to see that pleasure and spirituality are not really two separate pursuits, but one in the same.
Though I felt afraid to explore sex because it didn’t fit with my ideas of what I was supposed to be or do as a “spiritual” person, compulsion took over – eventually my body put up a fight where I didn’t want to look and my craving to have some unnamable force within me fulfilled caused me to be distracted daily. I found myself wanting to play again, as I had before my awakening, to explore pleasure in many ways, but I didn’t know how to do it in a new and developed way with all that I had learned about energy and congruency in the past years. My internal tension grew: I couldn’t let go, and yet my body propelled me towards fulfillment.
The energetic universe is a funny place – as Rumi says, “that which we seek is seeking us”. Though I tried to find logical outlets for my desires, what inevitably showed up was circumstances that were unplanned and messy. Through lots of pleasure and also LOTS of heartache, all that my body was yearning for came to me in various forms – and it was all incredibly enlightening.
The past six months have been a whirlwind of integration, allowing me to become a unified, sexual being for the first time in my life.
And as soon as 2018 came around, another calling showed itself to me, quite clearly.
I moved from Santa Fe NM to the Pacific Northwest – and from sunny days to constant rain. As I meditated at the hilly summit of a nearby hiking trail, I asked, “What am I doing here? What do I do now?” and I immediately heard, “You are here to be a sexuality coach. Don’t get another job. Just do this.”
I see now that this is a natural progression for my life: I was a stripper in my early 20’s, and later owned a pole dance studio for five years. My spiritual/sexual cycle brought me to explore a diverse range of experiences that can bring us pleasure, from the crown chakra to the root and everything in between and beyond. These past experiences, coupled with the intuitive gifts I work with and the coaching I have done for three years now come together to form a clearer picture that I have been on this track for much of my life, though it is still a surprise to me.
So now, I offer myself to the process. I'm excited to see where this all leads.
For more information on what I offer, please visit the SESSIONS page.